The Ability to Endure
by Eunoia
Summary: Riley muses over his religious beliefs and his relationship with Buffy. I always felt like Riley (the only church-going BTVS character)was more interesting than people gave him credit for, so I thought I'd write this fic.


_A/N: This takes place sometime around late season four, or maybe a little after season four. I haven't completely decided. And it's Riley-centric, but not pro-Briley. It's more like it uses Riley to examine Buffy and religion in the Buffyverse.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I'm using them for fun only, not profit.  
_  
"My brothers, consider yourselves fortunate when all kinds of trials come your way, for you know that when your faith succeeds in facing such trials, the result is the ability to endure." The minister's voice boomed throughout the large church, becoming more excited as he made his way through the sermon. Most of the people under the age of forty looked like they couldn't care less, their eyelids drooping. Riley, on the other hand, was wide awake. His brothers used to tease him as a child, because he'd always liked church. He'd even briefly considered studying theology. But once he got involved with Maggie and The Initiative, his attendance at church dropped off drastically. He told himself it was because he was too busy juggling schoolwork and work work, but now that that portion of his life appeared to be ending, he was starting to realize that maybe it was more than that. That maybe The Initiative had filled up the faith portion of his soul. And that thought scared him, so here he was, back at church. Except now he wasn't nestled between his mother and his brother. Instead, he was sitting alone, next to a seventy-year-old woman whose name he had learned, but couldn't for the life of him remember.  
  
When he first returned to church, he had asked Buffy to come with him, hoping she would agree, despite his certainty that she wouldn't. And unfortunately he was right. She was polite about it, but firm. And he didn't want to push. He wasn't going to be that boyfriend; the one whose girlfriend apologized for saying "hell" in his presence.  
  
But he did wish she would go. He could never understand why she was so freaked out by the idea. Meeting Buffy had, if anything, further cemented his conviction. The fact that a cross could hold a vampire at bay was inarguable proof for the existence of God, as far as he was concerned. But Buffy claimed it only had the power the vamps gave it. She started to say something else, but stopped abruptly, that look in her eyes like he couldn't take the truth. The same look she got just before she told him about Maggie. She made a move to go, but he grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him.  
  
"What were you going to say? Tell me. I can take it." Only Buffy could make him feel like he was still the ninety-pound weakling trying out for the junior high football team. It didn't help that her last boyfriend could rip his throat out in a minute.  
  
"I just—this is just my opinion, of course, but that's what all religion is. Church, the Bible, whatever, it has power because we want it to. There's nothing else behind it."  
  
"I get that you're not much for organized religion. Not everyone is. But you do believe in God, don't you?" he asked, almost afraid of the answer.  
  
She averted her eyes. "I don't know. All I know is that I can't afford to rely on God, or anyone but myself for that matter. When it comes down to it, I've got to be able to survive, even when my weapons, my friends, my boyfriend, or even God is gone. I've learned that the hard way."  
  
"Buffy, God's never gone. And neither am I. You have to place your faith somewhere besides yourself. And even if you can't believe in a higher power, you can always believe in me. You know that, right?"  
  
"Can I? Because we both know where you 'placed your Faith,' don't we?"  
  
"I thought we were over that," he replied, hurt.  
  
She looked ashamed. "You're right. I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. I know it wasn't your fault. I just—it just proves that even people who try their hardest can't always be there for you. There are outside factors."  
  
"Do all outside factors have to be negative?"  
  
"No! You're not listening to me. It's not that they have to be; just that I have to expect them to be."  
  
"Well that's a pretty dark way of looking at things. Haven't you ever had a moment where you just knew things were going to turn out alright because some higher power had your back?"  
  
She looked away again. "Sort of. But that's not the point. The point is that—"  
  
"I know, I know. You can't expect it. Well, aren't you going to tell me what your moment was?"  
  
"It was nothing, really." Again that look in her eyes like he didn't want to know; couldn't handle knowing. Somehow he doubted she ever gave Angel that look. Hell, she probably never even gave Willow that look. Maybe Xander, not that that was anything to be comforted by. The guy drove an ice cream truck for a living.  
  
Every time she gave him that look, he felt it more and more; a realization that her love and respect for him were nothing compared to those he had for her. And even knowing this, he could never leave. Because if nothing else, Riley Finn was devoted. He had been devoted to The Initiative and now he was devoted to The Slayer. And he hated that, but he had accepted it.  
  
Which is why he was now sitting in church all by himself, when he faithfully accompanied Buffy to every party, Scooby meeting, and patrol she ever went on. And even with all this, he couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Because he wasn't alone. He never would be. And even with all her friends, her watcher, her doting boyfriend, she always was. 


End file.
